Short story 1: Inferno (part 1)

Short story 1: Inferno (part 1) (07/08/2016)

''Welcome'' breathed the large horned figure, which was rather a growl than anything else. His face was hidden at first, under the plumes of smoke swirling up around him, but his stature was imposing enough.

''Make yourself at home. You'll be spending quite some time here,'' the figure said.  

''I'm sure you make that joke to everyone,'' I responded.

''How did you know?'' the figure responded. ''Oh, I did not even introduce myself. How rude. I'm Satan, Lucifer, Abaddon, Beelzebub, or just the Devil, whichever you prefer.''

''I guessed as much,'' I said. ''My name is Jake. Jake Pa...''

''Patterson. I know,'' the Devil responded.

''Ah, sure, of course, you would. So, I'm sure you could tell me what I'm here for. I always thought I was quite an upstanding guy. Donating to charity, never committed a crime in my life, love my family. Barely even cheated on my wife.''

---

''Is there not something you have forgotten?'' answered the Devil.

''You mean my atheism? Is that what would tick off the big guy above?'' I was incredulous. 

''I do not mean to be a dick, though atheism is right up there with backdoor love. The guy just hates it. One can only enter through the front door, quite literally I'm afraid.'' 

''So one slight and I'm sent right on down, thereby negating all the good stuff I did.''

''I'm afraid so darling.'' 

''Seriously... wait, what? Darling? What's that supposed to mean?''

The Devil looked a bit suspicious but gestured me to continue walking. 

''Do not worry, I am sure you will like it. We have a lot of fun stuff down here actually. Wednesday is BBQ, just note that the meat is always raw or burned. And we are perpetually out of hot sauce. On Friday the strip club is open, but you are only allowed in with double-layered jeans. On the upside, there is no church on Sunday, though we do happen to have the occasional crucifixion, but only for literally the worst guys down here.'' 

I was baffled. I actually was sent to Hell. So that asshole Joel next door, always preaching that I should repent, was actually right. Goddamn Joel.

''Also, as I like to say, we have some of the most interesting people down here. Karl Marx, Mark Twain, Christopher Hitchens and of course, the granddaddy of asshats of history...''

''Adolf Hitler,'' I finished the sentence.

''Well, I was going to say to Columbus, but I guess Hitler was kind of a cunt as well.''

''Wait, you're telling me Columbus is down here? Wasn't that guy a raving Christian?''

The Devil pondered the question for a second, but he seemed to mostly pretend he didn't answer this question half a million times on a daily basis. ''I suppose he was, but you don't really get to enter Heaven after killing so many people now, do you?''

He had a point there, I thought. ''So, you are totally expecting Mel Gibson down here in 20-odd years?'' 

The Devil laughed at that for a bit. If he could manage that, maybe Hell wouldn't be so bad after all. His anxiety went down a bit, as did his heartbeat and he managed to walk through Hell with a bit more certainty in his step. 

''To be honest, I hope that tallywacker lives forever. I've had many a cunt down here, but few can match that man's level of being an asshole,'' the Devil responded, with something between a melancholic smile and a grin on his face. ''But even I would not be able to prevent someone like that walking into hell, and I am certain God would not find him a very palatable character.'' 

''You know God?'' I asked, somewhat surprised.

''Oh yes, we play checkers every Tuesday. Quite a fellow, he is. Ah, here we are. This is the main square. Starbucks is over there on the left, although it is ''opening soon'' for some time now. Down the center, we have a MacDonalds and on the right we have...''

''Wait, you have MacDonalds? No if's or but's?''

''Well, I figured it is bad enough on its own. The lines can be abysmal though. As I were saying, on the right, you can do some shopping. We even have IKEA, but as you might be aware of, you have to put all the products you buy there together yourself.''

''But that is nothing new,'' I responded. 

''That is true, but one piece will always be missing. You would not know which one beforehand. Shall we say, ''the devil is in the details''?''

He looked like he expected a smile, a laugh even. He laughed at what I said before, so I returned the favor. 

''Now of you go. Make yourself at home, make some friends. Toodeloo.'' And he vanished, in a puff of smoke. Here I was, down in the 3rd circle of Hell. Time to see what's happening here.